BOOBS!!!!!!!

I made a resolution at the beginning of this year to blog at least once a month. If I failed, I’d donate $100 to a charity of my choosing. I made it longer than I expected, but my busy travel schedule has caught up with me and it’s now been almost two months since my last blog. 

Whoops. 

So, I will be donating $200 to a charity. Since October is national breast cancer awareness month, it only makes sense to donate to something that supports victims of breast cancer. Now is where I have an excuse to go on a small rant, which I’m sure is exactly what you all were hoping for in a blog with “Boobs” in the title. Gotcha! 

Us Americans tend to have a reputation for being uninformed consumers. Shocking. I know. I can’t think of an example where this is more prevalent than all the pink “breast cancer awareness/support” merchandise for sale in seemingly every store. A quick Google search turns up “Pink Ribbon” potato chips, mops, shoes, guns, cameras, sunglasses, staplers, etc. etc. The list goes on and on and on and on. You can even buy “Pink Ribbon” thongs and sex toys. I don’t know about you, but if I were diagnosed with breast cancer, I can’t think of a single thing more touching than someone telling me they purchased the “Justin’s Timber Vibrator” to support my fight! After all, it’s “bringing sexy back.” 

The biggest problem here lies in the fact that the majority of these products use the breast cancer platform as a way to generate publicity and create profit, without giving much back. That $69 Pink Blender you just bought from Bed Bath and Beyond to show support for your dear Aunt Betty?  I’ve got some bad news. First, it’s going to look like hell in your kitchen. Second, you could have purchased a white one, not ridiculously marked up for its ugly ass color, and written your Aunt Betty a check for $2.07 instead. That measly 3% of the purchase is the only amount donated towards Breast Cancer Research. The manufacturer is pocketing the rest. 

Unfortunately that 3% is more than some companies are giving back. I can’t remember the exact wording, but I recently picked up a pink ribbon bracelet in a gas station and the small writing on the package had some sort of eloquent legal jargon that said something along the lines of “This product is intended to raise awareness for cancer. No proceeds from purchase are directly given to charity.” Translation: “Thanks for buying this pink bracelet idiot! We really appreciate your money and we will use it wisely in future scams.” 

Even the products that DO give proceeds to charities are often giving them to the wrong ones. The American Breast Cancer Foundation is one of the more popular charities for companies to donate profits from pink ribbon proceeds to. It is rated 4^th on the list of America’s worst charities. Out of the 59.8 million dollars raised by the “Charity” since 1997, only 4.2 million has been given to actually aid breast cancer detection for low income women, while over 18 million was paid out to the president’s son for “solicitation services.” Unfortunately, this is more common than we’d like to think. Of the 50 charities listed as “America’s Worst,” 13 of them are related to cancer, with another 13 devoted to “helping” children. There aren’t many things scarier to society than cancer and suffering children. These soulless bastards know this, and are using that knowledge to suck the money out of our back pockets for their vacation homes in Tahoe and Range Rovers in every color. It’s infuriating to think of the profit being made at the hands of someone's misinformed attempt to help those in need.

Last week, I attended the funeral of LeAnn Krzmarzick, who was the mother of my good friend. She was only 56 and passed away after a brutal three-year battle with breast cancer. 

When I called to ask my friend Elly permission to write this blog, and talk about her mother, she instantly agreed, saying it’s something her mom would want. Elly explained that throughout her life LeAnn was diligent about her health, attending every routine check-up and always complying with recommended tests. That is, until a job change left her for a couple years without health insurance. When given a choice between preventative check-ups or paying the bills, LeAnn chose the bills. It’s the same choice we’d all make. During the period she was most helpless, is when cancer attacked. By the time a diagnoses was made, LeAnn had stage 4 (incurable) breast cancer. 

Elly, fresh in her grief, seemed to welcome the excuse to talk to someone about her mom. She kept it together as she told me about her mother’s protective nature and the strength she showed in her three-year fight against this non-discriminating serial killer. I, on the other hand, sat at my desk with tears rolling down my face. We all know life isn’t fair, but certain moments strike us more than others. I guess this was one of those moments for me. 

I’ll save my health care rant for another blog, but I couldn’t help but think about what could have been. The American Breast Cancer foundation lists “providing financial assistance for breast cancer screenings and diagnostic tests for uninsured and underserved individuals, regardless of age or gender” as their mission. It sounds like a wonderful idea, exactly the type of service that LeAnn could have used. And maybe, just maybe, if they put more than a measly 6% of donations given towards their actual mission, she could have gotten that much needed mammogram. Maybe she’d still be here, spending time with her 8 grandchildren, tending to her beloved pets. 

Please don’t think I don’t support breast cancer awareness, research, and support. I wholeheartedly do. In fact, it’s why I’m writing this blog. At her mother’s funeral, Elly wore a bright pink scarf. It was symbolic of her mom’s fight against breast cancer. It also served as a reminder to me that the pink products are meant to be a symbol of solidarity for those impacted by this dreadful disease. I want to see pink everywhere. But, when I see those pink products, I also want to feel good inside, knowing that person donated to a worthy cause.  LeAnn never gave up in her fight against cancer. We shouldn’t give up fighting to make sure people like LeAnn get the testing, help, treatment, and support they need through properly utilized donations. 

If you want to donate consider the following options:

*Donate directly to someone: Maybe this is just a small town thing, but it seems around here you can’t walk out of a gas station without seeing a bulletin board advertising a benefit for someone suffering from some sort of life threatening illness. My friends and I had the pleasure of helping put together a benefit for Elly’s mom about a month before she passed. I felt great paying a ridiculous amount, for some item I knew I didn’t need, during the silent auction because I knew the money was going directly to LeAnn. 

*Donate directly to a medical facility: This one was actually Elly’s idea as she recalled how fondly her mother felt about the newly renovated oncology center in our small town. Through fundraising efforts and donations, the once sterile hospital environment has been turned into a family friendly, comforting area. Donate blankets and pillows so the uncomfortable process can be a tiny bit more bearable. Donate books or magazines for patients to look at while they receive their treatments. If you don’t have money, donate your time!  Any little bit helps.

*Donate to a charity that efficiently utilizes funds towards the research, prevention, treatment, and cure of breast cancer: It can be overwhelming to research this on your own, but CharityNavigator.com has done the work for you. The site provides you with the specific breakdown of many major charities finances. You can find out who spends 98% on “administrative costs” and who spends 2%. 

*Buy “Pink” products that disclose the financial distribution: A water bottle that says “100% of proceeds go to…” is a good purchase. One that says “portions of proceeds go to….” Probably not a good purchase. 

It would be nice if we could just indiscriminately purchase and give knowing our donations are being used properly. Unfortunately, we can’t. But please don’t let the greed and corruption from some take away from the generosity and good efforts of others. By making smart purchases we can continue to support the battle of good over evil. Be generous, but be informed. 

As for me and my failed timely blogging attempt?  I’ll be donating $200 to the New Ulm Medical Center oncology department in honor of LeAnn Krzmarzick. 

                                                              LeAnn Krzmarzick

                                                             6/15/1957-10/9/2013