The feature length documentary I naively agreed to be in over three years ago is finally finished and will be premiering in less than a week at the Palms Casino, in none other than Las Vegas. It's hard to believe it was three years ago that I got a random message on 2+2 from some creeper named Ryan Firpo, who wanted to know if I'd be interested in being featured in a documentary. It's even harder to believe I heard the creeper out, decided maybe he wasn't a creeper, and agreed to be featured in the film.
It’s been a really long, sometimes challenging, but incredibly rewarding journey to be a part of this documentary. When I first agreed to be a part of this film, poker was going wonderfully. I was at the peak of my career, doing well in some of the toughest games online. After hiding behind my screen name for so many years, laughing whenever some smart ass would comment in the chat box about how lame I was for “pretending” to be a girl, I was finally starting to open myself up to the poker world and the attention I was receiving was flattering.
Life was good.
While I was hesitant, it seemed like it might be kind of cool to be part of a documentary, get my name out there, and have a visual record of this amazing journey I was on. What I didn’t know, was that in the near future my world was going to come crashing down. Having a camera in your face when you are on top of the world is easy. Having it there when you’re devastated, frightened, angry, and emotionally exhausted? Not so much.
I’ll be honest. If someone told me Black Friday was going to happen in the middle of filming, I’m not sure I’d have agreed to be a part of the film. When the crew came out to Minnesota shortly after, I struggled with the instinct to protect myself at a moment when I felt so incredibly vulnerable, versus the desire to let the cameras see the raw, unscripted pain of the moment. To let myself go completely, felt like a betrayal of my own privacy. To not let my guard down, and show the despair I was feeling, felt like a betrayal to the thousands of poker players, equally as devastated, without a public medium to show the impact on their lives. I think that internal struggle is something almost anybody who has gone through a tough time can identify with. It’s one of the reasons the scene in the movie where I am in my office, choking back tears, with bags under my eyes while discussing the uncertainty of my future, has such an impact. It’s real. It hurt.
In a bizarre way, I’m excited to share that pain with all of you. “Bet Raise Fold” will be digitally released worldwide on June 30th. I hope you will buy it and show it to your friends and family. Not because I want to be famous, or because I will make money from your purchase (ha!), but because I am hopeful it can somehow, maybe, in some way, shape or form, make a difference.
Maybe it will make someone who brushed off poker as just another form of illegitimate gambling think twice?
Maybe it will somehow make my 1st grade teacher realize that I have not, in fact, failed at life. Nor do I need rehab for my gambling “addiction.”
Maybe, it will make someone, who isn’t even directly impacted by poker realize it’s silly our government allows horse racing, slot machines, lottery tickets, etc. etc. but fights against a skill based game that has been around for centuries.
Maybe it won’t make any difference at all, but there’s a chance it will and I’m proud and honored to be a part of the process.
I hope I represented you well poker world.
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