Finding the Good

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. - Unknown

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I'm not a "dates" person. I don't love my husband any more on Valentines day than any other random time. I am not extra patriotic on the 4th of July. I sometimes get my anniversary wrong, and I don't care if a black cat walks in front of me on Friday the 13th. For this reason, I am surprised by how painful today, April 15th 2012 is. Today marks the one year anniversary of what is known as "Black Friday," in the poker community- the day online poker was essentially shut down in the United States. It marks a day that life for myself, my family, and millions of poker players around the world changed forever.

I remember sitting in front of my computer fighting back tears, and eventually just sobbing as I constantly refreshed the poker forums for the latest news. I remember my mind racing with countless questions, "Can they do this? This has to be unconstitutional, right? What about the money in my account? Will I ever get it back? What am I going to do? Is my poker career done forever? Can I ever achieve my poker goals?" It was a day of raw emotion, ranging from disbelief, to devastation, to anger. I'd be lying if I said some of those emotions aren't still, in varying degrees, present . I'd say the disbelief has passed. Fair or not, this clearly did happen. For the most part the devastation has passed as well. Does it still hurt? Of course, especially today as I sit here reflecting on the pain and anxiety it caused. However, I would say the "devastation" phase has passed. As I'll reflect on more in depth shortly, I now know myself and my family will be okay. I wasn't so sure of that, in the initial panic. The anger is the emotion that still strongly lingers. I'm angry at Full Tilt Poker for shady business dealings and for stealing player funds. I seriously despise thieves. I'm even more angry at my government. It's been a year and I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that I cannot play online poker, a game of skill, from the comfort of my home, with MY money. Yet, I could go to the store and buy an unlimited amount of lottery tickets, with no skill involved and the odds stacked against me, and my government would be pleased with my purchase. I'm pissed that a country that is founded on the principle of freedom, would so blatantly violate mine.

That being said, I think I've touched on all of the negative things involved in the shutdown of online poker in previous blogs, and while I will never forget, I don't believe dwelling on things out of my control are healthy nor conducive to living a happy life. So here, are a few of the very many positives that have come out of my life transition since the shutdown of online poker:

* Live poker is fun. Since Black Friday I've been traveling to play at the Commerce Casino in LA. My typical schedule is to head to LA for 7-10 days every 6-8 weeks playing 12-16 hours/day with an evening or two off to hang out with friends and get some mental relaxation. While I feel like it took a while to transition from online to live poker (Huh? Five limpers pre-flop?!?!?), I think I've finally made some necessary adjustments and am playing well. I've created some fun memories with awesome friends (endless bacon, Clippers suite, and limo bomb fail?) and had some unique life experiences like playing 100/200 in a private game with Manny Pacquiao. As an added bonus California has some ridiculously good food (sometimes complements of the ghetto) and for a food fanatic like myself, that holds a lot of value in the life enhancement category. While I'm always ready to return to life in Minnesota, I generally enjoy my time playing live.

Family time: On the surface it would seem my traveling would cut back on family time, but I actually think the opposite holds true. When I was playing online poker my son would attend daycare during normal work hours M-F. Sometimes I'd spend this time sleeping because I was up all night playing, sometimes I'd spend the time actually playing poker. The problem was, even when my son was home with me, I was never really "off" of work. Making a good living at the games I was playing really required paying attention to what was happening at the tables. At the higher stakes I was playing, the games weren't always running. When they started if you weren't at your computer ready to take a seat you were left on the outside unable to play. So when I was home (sometimes even when I wasn't) I basically had a laptop within reach at all times. This definitely cut into my attentiveness at times. Now, with no online poker, when I'm home it's with no distractions. I can relax and enjoy the quality time my son and I have together. I'll also say that my husband, my son, and myself all appreciate each other more because of my traveling. We miss one another when I'm gone but we are sure to fill my time home with lots of fun activities, and my four year old is always ready to give me those 'snuggles" every mom cherishes.

New job: In the early days of my online poker career I was in school to be a teacher. The realization that I could make more money playing poker combined with some second guessing on my career choice led me to drop out with one year left. I played online poker for a few years with no real motivation to return to school until I had my son. While in the hospital I came to a sudden epiphany that I wanted to be a nurse. I applied to nursing school right away, making the application cut-off by a few days. I graduated as a registered nurse with no real idea when I would use my degree. When Black Friday happened I was hopeful I would be able to find some sort of flexible nursing job that would allow me to continue traveling for poker. In February, I was hired for that job. I now work as a mental health nurse at a Community Behavioral Health hospital about 30 minutes from my home. I've always been interested in psychology and mental health, growing up in a household where both parents worked at the State Security Hospital which housed people with a wide variety of mental health disorders. A behavioral health hospital seemed like a natural fit for me and so far I love it. The best part is that it's an intermittent position. This means when shifts are available, they call and offer them to me but I have no obligation to accept any shifts. So I can pick up hours when I want, and still maintain the poker traveling and family time I desire. Even if online poker comes back I plan on continuing with this position. In addition to the extra money, it's also nice to use my degree and feel as though I'm contributing to the world through my work, something that was lacking when I was only playing poker. As some of my coworkers are newly added Facebook friends, this blog will probably act as my "coming out" as a professional poker player at work. So hello co-workers. I promise I'm not a crazed degenerate gambler. I'm the same semi-normal chick you've gotten to know the last couple months. I just have more cool stories than your average 20-something female and I travel a lot J

Thinking about the events that transpired a year ago make me sad. It still feels unfair and I don't think I'll ever forget how horrible the stress and uncertainty of those first few weeks felt. But, the reality is, it happened and I can't change it. So out of a miserable situation, I look to the good that has come. I was blessed before Black Friday and I am blessed after. My blessings might look a little different now, but they are certainly still present and I am more aware and appreciative of them now than ever before. This experience has ultimately made me a better mother, wife, friend, and poker player and human being.

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But seriously, bring online poker back soon please. I'm dying to pay some taxes here!